JOURNAL LOGS
BRIEF BACKGROUND
It's been a while since I journal again, this time I found a good reason to do so.
First, I need to manage and keep track of my emotions.
Second, I need to keep myself from emotions that is not from me because I'm an Empath.
Third, SO I can keep myself again from people pleasing
I'm Studying Masters of Divinity and now on my last year it was a great journey I learned and improved a lot. I'm taking 22 educational units so I can get my Teaching license.
I think I need those degree so I can land a Teaching Job in the future, I'm 26 years old by the way. Also Filipino - been in Ministry for 5 years, I really did it full-time and now I have material ambitions. So I'm planning to do it part-time next year 2021.
Heyy! I'm the 29 year old you guess what we graduated Divinity, passed your let and now an Emergency Instructor at NVSU... But I think we need to get another Master's degree if you want to pursue teaching. It's really getting lonely, we love learning but do we really want to teach in academe career? would you want to go crazy and ministry again but this time bigger role/position? We are currently struggling actually because of that past sin that its hard to shake of because its our go to whenever we are stressed and pressured a lot. We still haven't managed our emotions well, we tend to go in and out numbness and that makes us rough and despicable. I really wonder what God is plan for us... but I'm willing to blindly follow Him, I hope you do too...
ReplyDeleteHi Ella, soo I just want to rant sayo. Nakakahiya tayo today the students discovered I'm using ChatGPT without checking yung content I only assumed that AI delivered the content I want it to do, e kaso nag copy paste lang naman pala itong AI nato hmpt, and hindi pa yon soo yung pinag-practisan natin code sa socket programming hindi gumana para akong tanga doon na debug ng debug naubusan narin ako ng dahilan hmpt and to make it worst there's this teacher naka study leave coz nag aaral sya ng doctoral soo favored kasi I hear he did not perform well but still granted scholarship... but still I kinda regret for a bit studying MDIV rather than MIT...
DeleteAlam mo Ella, nakikita ko din sarili natin sa Academe; matatapos ang Master's tas magtuturo din talaga - pero alam mo I don't think I should stay there for long kasi there's more to life kapag and yung stress doon it's not worth living and parang nadedegrade yung klase ng teachers ay kasi its too convenient to be lenient and not teach at all.
Deletehi Ella, I realized we don't need to be experiencing this kind of stress just to really be financially stable. It's becoming our mantra not to RUSH THINGS, because it causes too much PRESSURE and pressure will cause so much STRESS and ANXIETY and we don't want that. We already known our limits and that SAD is our kryptonite.
DeleteElla, we heard today that our Mom is on her old flame again the one who really made our heart bitter... I'm scared of what will I become if that turns out to be true... Its really hard loving our Mom, I'm really trying. She's lovable but her choice of men gives me traumas... can't she love a normal Christian guy?
ReplyDeleteYung nanay mo tumakbong kagawad, one time may mga requests sya then we got into this heated argument that escalated to minura nya ako - e kulang kulang naman info ng pinapagawa sya. Nag kamali sya ng mga sinamahan sa pangangampanya she blame it first to otehers then degrade herself then blame it to others again and self talk herself so she won't feel that bad. But her blunt decisions yun talaga nagiging pitfall nya, may concern lang sana wag naman ako or family nya stress reliever nya - na she can tell any degrading things to us tho may point naman pero sana wag naman masyado kasi it does hurts the putdowns is too much and pressuring.
DeleteI think your Mom will get Disciplinary Action if she does not change her ways, she attracts and/or creates conflict for herself and others. I'm already thinking what could I gain when that happens, 1st the council will be on their toes and talks again and if they are desperate enough they will surely pray and cling to God for wisdom; 2nd Mo will not go to church in that way she'll stop living her dual life using church as a magic wand to do all she wants; 3rd how he handles her will show his credibility, let's look closely 2nd seat.
DeleteYou're Mom have a lot of self-issues she thinks she's the main character of every story. I want to really despise myself and my feelings of wanting to be the center of attention or even bringing myself in a conversation kasi - it's not fun anymore I feel sick by just telling people about myself.
DeleteI stop being angry to our Mom anymore, because anger is tiring and waste of time, it's not a good driving force too.. I just really want to live a peaceful life no matter who or what is the circumstances. For once, I just really want to make at least one person happy.
DeleteShangg... I'm really tired your brother is giving me waves of anxiety, and I worry much of our lil' Zeke. What kind of world will he faced, I can truly see he will suffer great to be strong. I want to adopt him but man it is near impossible, I'm scared of the future shanngg... Who will help us?
ReplyDeleteAfter some time of giving cold shoulder to your brother dahil sa ginawa nya na kamuntik akong sugurin dahil lasing, I realize I think I really does say hurtful things kasi like our Mom ginagamit ko ding punching bag si wawe I say put downs and degrading words to him and I think its too much and disrespectful in his rights bilang tao. Ang issue lang naman is his katamaran but mann ang gastos kasi nung bata and nung bahay, alangan naman ako magbuhat and si mama. Ayoko pa man ding nagkakautang kami and I think nasasamantala yung hate ko na iyon kasi either sinasamantala nyang umutang kasi alam nyang mag bibigay ako pambayad hnggg.
DeleteJoy is doing good, nag aaral sila ni Tin ng korean balak nila mag abroad, sana nga matuloy para ma-experience nila mag ibang bansa. Pero yung kapatid nating isa - napariwara na talaga - samahan mo akong mag pray for him.
DeleteWe don't know what to do with Him but at least He's with us and not messing someone else, but I'm waiting for a day I don't need to deal with him anymore.
DeleteI'm scared Israel is attacked today, I saw a Muslim beheading a child it was brutal, will we witness the apocalypse in our generation? will we see the end? Oh God have mercy on us!
ReplyDeleteI will be messaging sa Church this Sunday and I still don't have a message prepared. I feel so unprepared and that is soo embarassing - to the point that it makes me sick.
DeleteWe are trying to get to know God now that we are an adult, it feels different far but close, not intimate but believing, but its not enough time is running out and us acting out is not doing us any good. He's trying to break something in us, idk yet but soon, we are so stubborn... and rebellious.... idk know what to do anymore!
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